Tag Archives: self esteem

Carolyn’s Abuse

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domestic_abuse

This is a story I wrote some time ago and decided to post it.  Abuse can’t be talked about enough. Just maybe it might even be of help to someone who needs it. Have a wonderful day.

By: Shirley McLain

Carolyn was a woman like many women who seemed to attract the kind of guy who wasn’t good for her. She felt her issues came about because of being abandoned by her mother at an early age and raised by a father who didn’t care about her. He was an alcoholic who went through all the stages of drinking, from sickly sweet to violent.  She learned how to hide and protect herself at a very early age.

Over her adult years, she had multiple relationships and marriages. She said she had a “redneck” addiction. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of a redneck is a white person who lives in a small town or in the country especially in the southern U.S., who typically has a working-class job, and who is seen by others as being uneducated and having opinions and attitudes that are offensive.

Her last husband was a rough, tough oilfield worker who was gentle, kind and couldn’t do enough for her in the early days of their marriage. His true colors began to surface within six months of their marriage. He’d start drinking and become angry at the littlest thing. She would try to stay out of his way, but he’d hunt her down, make her sit and talk to him.  This talk consisted of listening to him tell her everything he thought was wrong with her. The more he talked, the angrier he became. There were several occasions she’d have bones broken on her face from being hit with his fists. If she had to go to the hospital, it was always because she had an accident and had fallen.

There were also multiple occasions when Carolyn would be asleep in their bed.  Her husband would come in from the oilfield drunk in the middle of the night,  grab her by her hair and drag her out of bed. It would be because of some imaginary thing he believed she had done. He would rant and rave calling her every vile name he could think of and then proceed to beat her.

This abuse continued for eleven years before she decided she’d had enough. She knew if she hadn’t left, he’d killed her.

When asked why she stayed in the relationship so long, she said, “because I loved him and still do.”

Here are five ways to escape an abusive relationship that was originally posted by World of Psychology.

 

  1. Acknowledge the existence of abuse.

 

Victims tend to minimize abuse. Abuse does not have to be physical. It is frequently emotional and/or psychological. You don’t have to wait for broken bones or a black eye before you consider it abuse. Yelling, name-calling, intimidation, and threats are all forms of abuse. If you are forced to have sex without your consent, it is abuse and is sexual assault. Ask yourself: “Are you often walking on eggshells?” Keep in mind that most abusers are charming and apologetic after the abuse; there is a honeymoon period. Then predictably the tension builds followed by an explosion. Many women and men stay trapped in this cycle hoping that this time the abuse will stop.

 

  1. Reach out for help.

 

Check out YourTango for relationship advice

Fortunately, there are many organizations (local and national) that specifically have the resources to help you. You are not alone! Your friends and family members are not necessarily the best people to help you. They mean well, but they could still be minimizing the abuse or you could jeopardize their safety by obtaining their help.

 

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. They will refer you to the organization in your area. Many have emergency shelters that provide many resources. If you have children, they will be able to shelter them as well. They understand and will not judge you in your predicament. They provide individual and group therapy. They will help you with legal matters such as obtaining temporary restraining orders.

 

  1. Use a safe computer.

 

The National Domestic Violence website warns users to use a safe computer not accessible to the abuser as computer usage can be monitored quite easily. The website has many resources. Yes, you need to take precautions so you can be safe before you leave this relationship.

 

The time to be most vigilant is when the abuser realizes that you are planning to leave him or her. Have a safety plan in place. The above-mentioned website has a section to help you make these plans.

 

  1. Make every effort to address the underlying issues that led you to be in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Did you have a childhood that led you to doubt your self-worth? Although men and women (heterosexual and homosexual) of many different cultural, racial, ethnic, educational, economic groups become victimized in abusive relationships, the common denominators are lack of self-esteem and self-love.

 

When we stay in these relationships, we become increasingly depressed; our self-esteem plummets further. The downward spiral must be interrupted by obtaining help. If you are depressed, you probably feel tired and indecisive. Your thoughts are negative, which furthers the depressive mood. It is easy to feel trapped and hopeless, but dig deep and look for that flicker of hope. It is there!

 

  1. Get to the bottom of things.

 

Are you addicted to love or the feeling of being in love? Do you equate love with pain? Those of us who felt alone, alienated and unloved growing up tend to seek out relationships early in life. However, if our parents were in an unhealthy relationship, an abusive dynamic will feel familiar and comforting.

 

It is vital to acknowledge, explore and heal what led you to this pattern. Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat it. Take a break from relationships for a while. Taking the time to heal is so important. If you have children, they need time to recuperate from the trauma of witnessing abuse. It is normal for you to feel angry and sad, as well as regret that you left the abuser.

 

Don’t wait until you don’t feel anything to leave. As dysfunctional as it was, you cared about him or her. Surround yourself with support; find a therapist who can assist you in rebuilding your self-esteem, and start rebuilding your life.

 

 

 

Girls Need A Fathers Love

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Fathers-and-their-baby-girlsIt’s known that fathers have a special bond with their little girls and they have been given a huge ability to influence the lives of their daughters. Based on the relationship with the daughter, father’s influence can go either way – positively or negatively. Building this bond through girl’s childhood and teenage ages can be crucial to how she shapes her views of herself and what she expects from other men in her life. Besides being loved, every girl needs her father to fulfill these tasks:

1. Love and respect the mommy

Kids learn by watching how their parents treat each other and everybody else. This perspective will be crucial for creating girl’s expectations further in life. Even if the parents are not together anymore, they should treat each other with respect even when the love is gone. Girls need to be shown the kind of love they should search for.

2. Help her be successful

Lack of self esteem is one of the main reasons why girls don’t strive to be more successful in life. Dad should be involved in all main events in girl’s life as she will always want to earn dad’s approval. One of the main factors in building a girl’s self esteem is hearing that her dad is proud of her. If a dad is supportive, she will most likely feel more comfortable to dream big. Praising and encouraging daughter to grab the opportunity will help her overcome the fears. Don’t forget, research shows that the most successful women have generally had fathers who were interested in their intellect and their academics.

3. Make her feel beautiful

Since we live in a world where girls are often insecure about their looks, few compliments from the dad will be enough to make a girl feel pretty. Giving her flowers from time to time, or complimenting her hair will do great things for her confidence. This will also help her define what to expect from her prom date, a boyfriend or a future husband. It’s true, girls will eventually learn that there is more to life than being beautiful, but there’s no harm in feeling pretty.

4. Set up rules and structure

We all know that parents can easily give in and lose control while setting up rules with their kids. This mistake can lead to creating unrealistic expectations and actually be a great obstacle in girl’s life later on. She needs to have a structure and understand that there is a line which dad won’t cross just because he loves her. Even this can be difficult to achieve, one day she will be grateful for the gift of having rules.

5. Love her unconditionally

All of the above can be achieved with a great will and dedication. This will is driven only by one thing – father’s unconditional love. This is a bond for the whole life and if each dad choses to build this relationship, it can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling both for a dad and a daughter.